Ch-Ch-Changes

Resolutions failed thus far: 2
Resolutions teetering on brink of failure: 1
Resolutions Holding, but causing unforeseen consequences: 1
Resolutions behind schedule: 1
Resolutions in danger of being abandoned as Not Worth Effort: 1

Every single bastard year, the same thing. I (along with a million other sheeple) arbitrarily fix on New Year’s Day to make major changes to the way I live my life. Two or three days later, one slight stumble and down comes the house of cards. So: A quick run through of this year’s inaugural failures:

EINS: I shall have January off the booze.
FAIL: Being an adherent of the ‘if the hangover’s bad, drink through it’ recovery regimen, January 1 is never going to be booze-free. I think it was about 5.30 before I crumbled this year. Once that was down, what’s the point? And anyway, there’s 5 gallons of home-brew fermenting away in a bucket in the kitchen, and it needs bottling soon. What’s the best way to get bottles? That’s right: buy them filled with beer.

ZWEI: I shall clear out un-needed tat and flog it on ebay.
FAIL: Ebay is designed to be easy to easy to buy things on. So easy, that in the process of putting a rather nice (but sadly miniscule) pair of trousers up for auction, I accidentally bought a half dozen LPs. And a signed photo of Jim Bowen. And then the light went and I couldn’t take photos of the trousers. And in any case, there’s an outside chance I might fit them at some point. Maybe.

DREI: I shall bring Lunch not Buy Lunch.
Partial FAIL: I keep running out of bread. Honest. Mainly as the consequence of using all bread for sandwiches and causing early morning toast shortage has been explained at length. But nonetheless, four days out of five ain’t bad. And buying boxes of biscuits and cakes and things from Somerfield around the corner counts as bring from home as it is not prêt or costa or other exhorbitant sandwich emporia. Kinda. Oh, as an aside: Ready-chopped stir-fry kits, no matter how well-reduced, are not a sensible substitute for bags of salad. Hidden Onion, Costly Breathmints.

VIER: I shall only touch every piece of paper once.
SUCCESS (PAINFUL) A glimmer of felicitatious hope. I am at the moment up to date with all the paperwork on my desk, all my filing is done, and have mental mastery of three odd projects. Woo. However, emerging from previous blissful ignorance into the blessed light of clarity has given me the shitting Fear. What’s more, I’ve made a schoolboy error in forgetting to manage expectations. Ergo, more shite is arriving at rate of knots. Flying-off-the-reel rate of knots. Arsebiscuits.

FUNF: I shall actually resume posting to this blog.
LATE ARRIVAL: Well, this would count as resuming posting – three months since the last. And nearly three weeks later than decided to. But hell, it’s done. In an effort to cajole self into more notes, I have even told two more people about these noodlings. Which will probably prove to be a mistake.

SECHS: I shall experiment with Clothes which are not Black.
Having had it pointed out to me that I’m too fat to be a goth. (And Too Old. And Too Ginger) I have resolved to attempt colours. And Patterns. And Shoes Other Than Docs. Mildly to my surprise, I actually enjoyed shopping. I even tried some bits on in the shop (this required some serious persuasion, and am willing to concede may have been a contributory factor in moving away from being a sack of shit tied in middle) So, on the face of it, one of my better-laid plans.

But, unfortunately my boss still things I’m a scruffy eejit, so I have resorted to Docs and facial hair in manner of lop-sided-two-fingered salute.

Ah well. In honour of my tardy resumption (good name for a band), the tune for today is: